What Keeps Me Going
by CoupleChemistry
Summary: Tag for "Haunted" from Helen's POV.


Title: What Keeps Me Going

Author: CoupleChemistry

Rating: K

Pairing: Helen/John

Spoilers: 2x11 "Haunted"

Summary: There is so much emotion in "Haunted" that I had to write a tag for the end of this episode.

Author's Note: This is my first story in like 4 years, so please be kind :) I own nothing of Sanctuary or its characters. I only want to have a little fun with them. Please review. I would really appreciate it!

**What Keeps Me Going**

We stood there, facing each other as we had so many times before. I could almost pretend that we weren't standing in front of the laboratory door, and that our lives were about to end. But we weren't in London and it wasn't 1888. So much had happened in the last few hours that I didn't even think I had processed it all yet. This was John. The man I had thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I could see it in his eyes. There were so many memories that could have flooded my mind at that moment, but the pain was so overwhelming. Should I have tried harder to find out what had caused his rage? I had been so stupid to assume that it had been the Source Blood. Oh, we had lost so much time. Would I ever forgive myself for not having seen it?

John hadn't voiced his plan, but I knew him and I knew what he was planning to do. Arguing wouldn't help, I knew that, but I was about to lose the only man I had ever truly loved, yet again. So, I pleaded with him, trying to convince him that we could find a different way to contain the creature.

I am desperate for more time. As if one hundred years wasn't enough. But when you love someone so completely, it is hard to let them go. I thought I could do it; kill him, but he was still so much a part of my life. He was all I had left. And now that I knew what had happened, there were so many things I wanted to say. Could I ever forgive myself?

"My entire body is geared to being its home."

"John." He is so close and there are so many things that I want to say. I wanted so badly to have the time to think of another way to contain it, but there was no time.

"Let me go."

"John, you don't have to do this. We can find a way-"

"I love you…remember that…always."

The room was silent for a second. Will and Henry were forgotten and in that moment all I could do was look into his eyes. I didn't think about what could have been, but only of what I had right now. But we had spent so many years at odds with each other that these few minutes just weren't enough. Just when I had him back, he was being pulled away. Our eyes remained locked, trying to consume each second.

I had to let him go. He was right. We knew each other too well, and there was no changing his mind. There was no other way for this to end. For one more second he tried to tell me everything he was feeling with just a look. It was a silent conversation, learned over decades of knowing each other. And then he had to look away. The break in eye contact didn't help break the intensity of the moment. With lowered eyes, I tried to think of something to say. But how could we say good bye? There were no appropriate words. When our eyes met again, he seemed to be standing closer to me, and the struggle I saw on his face mirrored what I was feeling.

"For all eternity."

Oh, to have stolen a kiss in that moment. But it was not the time. There were still so many things we needed to talk about, and I hoped that there would still be time after all of this was over.

When I finally entered the lab, my only thought was of saving him. It was something that consumed my thoughts more often than I would admit. Anguish was written all over his face. How much it must pain him to be inhabited yet again by such an evil creature, especially after being reminded of such peace. My attempt at trying to console him was merely a last act on my part to try and help him. I touched his face, but his anger soon reminded me of what he had again become, and I doubted that I could save him. I know it must hurt him to have me here, to see him like this, but I needed to see him. Even if all I could see what how much pain he was in. I couldn't help but blame myself for all of this.

It took me a few seconds to realize what his plan was, and when I did panic again rose up in my chest. Before I could say anything to stop him, a peaceful look came over his face, and he teleported with "no destination in mind."

I am not one to show emotion, especially in front of my staff. I have my standards. But for the first time since Ashley's service, the pain is too much to hold inside. Even though I have seen many people die, it doesn't get easier to lose people you love. And I have lost John several times over. Is having found something so precious, only to have lost it again worse than having never discovered it in the first place? It is this pain that keeps me going.

~ The End


End file.
